The world’s unsexiest fetishes

Sexual desire is a weird thing. It’s unique to everyone, and some people have stranger tastes than others. Well-known fetishes for feet, bondage, and roleplay are practically mainstream, but no-one is unshockable. The strangest fetishes involve things no one in their right mind would ever think of as sexy, right?

Balloons

For most people, balloons are irritating party decorations, mostly used to provide kids with something to kick around that won’t break any windows. For some people, they’re sexy. Balloon fetishists or ‘looners’ get off on rubbing and popping balloons. Apparently they like the tension and release when they pop. Personally, it just makes me jump.

Clowns

Keeping with the kid’s party theme, there are a surprising amount of people who get turned on by clowns. Most people are freaked out by clowns. But not everyone. Some people find the anonymity of makeup and the crazy, colourful clown aesthetic a turn-on. Just as long as they don’t start luring people into sewers.

Animal Costumes

Ever looked at a sports mascot dressed as a tiger or dolphin and thought “phwoar!” Then you might just be a furry! Furries adopt ‘fursonas’ and dress up as anthropomorphised cartoonish animals. Weirdest of all is that it’s not just some underground fetish, it’s a massive phenomenon with conventions, forums, and websites selling fursuits. Some people don’t even get turned on by it, they just enjoy it, which begs even more questions than if it was just a sex thing.

Food

Many people have experimented with chocolate body paint or whipped cream in the bedroom, but for some people fun with food doesn’t stop there. Food in the bedroom, known as ‘sploshing’ is a pretty messy and less appealing practice. Ever wanted to be covered in beans or mashed potatoes? Be warned, sploshing requires a lot of plastic sheets!

Objects

Object fetishists form connections to inanimate objects. From household items, to cars and motorbikes, to landmarks and fairground rides. There is a woman who is ‘married’ to the Eiffel tower. No really. People have sex with object and even have ‘romantic relationships’ with them.

Ecosexuals

Ecosexuals are part hippy treehuggers part naturist fetishists. They believe that their sexual connection to the earth and nature will help save it. I mean, it might? Ecosexuals even perform marriage rituals, marrying particular rivers, cliffs, and mountains. Talk about getting your rocks off, amirite?

Tentacles

Tentacles? Yeah, tentacles. Ever got hot and bothered while eating calamari? A lot of people fantasise about sex with tentacle beings, and there are huge amounts of erotic art and animation dedicated to it.

Adult babies

For some people, it’s a sexual turn-on, for others, it’s a comforting activity which allows you to regress to childhood and be looked after. For the rest of us, it’s just really, really weird.

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There’s a place – Sensual Adult poem

There’s a place

 

When it’s been raining all day
And you’ve just been paid
But can’t shake the grey
When there’s no friend to call

When you’re thinking of hitting the bottle
In your flat with nobody
Porn hub no longer makes you feel fuzzy
You’re starting to think you feel nothing

Can’t even remember the last girl
That made your head spin
Let alone played with your bits
You get yourself on tinder

It’s not even like you’re interested
Too busy for a fling
Gotta be in work first thing
And then there’s the meetings

The meetings and meetings
You just want someone to make you feel
Make you feel something real
Get you hot and panting

No strings
Is there such a thing?
You walk the streets of London town
Your phone strapped to your hand

And notice a little window
With lights giving a warm glow
You push open the door
Not really sure

But a sense you must
Like your life depends on it
Greeted by a woman
Hands soft like silk

She asks what she can help you with
And your voice is lost, you choke
But her eyes are warm
And her smile isn’t a joke

So you tell her you’ve been feeling low
No, you tell her
Worse than low
You’ve been feeling nothing at all

It’s like the worlds been moving
And you’ve been left out
You can’t shake it
This sense of sad, of dread

And you shake your head
Apologise for your outburst
But she holds her hand out in front of her
Tells you to sit down in a chair

Promises she has the answer
She leaves the room
Leaves you alone
You sit tapping your shoe

Messing with your phone
And just like that she’s back
A girl with her too
She’s young and she’s pretty

And her eyes are on you
The woman introduces her
Says this is your masseuse
She’s trained in a mystic art

She knows how to take your pain
She know how to warm your heart
And you stop for a second
Not sure what to do

You’ve heard of these places
And they’re not really for you
But the woman seem to know
And they give you a smile

That makes you feel nice
You shrug and say why not
Let’s give it a shot
The girl leads through to the backroom

Her touch is so delicate
Her attention all on you
You feel things you never knew
You cry like a baby

And she holds you
You get hot and ready
And she accepts you
Your skin is electric

Shivers down your spine
You walk out of there
Feeling like you could fly
It’s like the clouds have parted

The suns in the sky
You feel so alive
And you’re happy
With a new lease on life

***

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True or false? Facts about the prostate

You’re a guy. You know your body. You know when you’re in pain, you know when you’re in health and you know how your body works. But truthfully, how much do you know about your prostate? This very small but incredibly important gland located between the bladder and the rectum is responsible for all kinds of processes in the male anatomy. It is an extremely important and sensitive part of the body; but do you know how to look after your prostate? Do you know why it’s so crucial to keep it healthy? Probably not- so be sure to read on.

Is it the male G-spot?

True! The prostate is in fact described as the male G-spot, because it’s a magical ball of senses that will send waves of pleasure through your body when it’s stimulated! Unbeknown to most men, the prostate has the power to create the most intense pleasure out of all of the male sexual organs. For example, whilst most men do experience toe-curling orgasms via penis-stimulation, the chances are they will feel twice as euphoric if the prostate is massaged. It’s there to be enjoyed- so enjoy it!

Only homosexual men enjoy prostate play

False! Of course this is false! Men or all ages, sexes and races enjoy sexual play because it is insanely enjoyable. Whilst most religions and societies have condemned homosexuality- and associate anal play with it- I can understand why heterosexual men are often hesitant to give it a go. However, there is nothing to feel ashamed about. You’re simply utilising what you were born with. So ignore any taboos linked to prostate play, and just make the most of what you’ve been given- a super sensitive prostate!

You can’t damage the prostate

True! The prostate can be damaged if massaged incorrectly. The prostate is an incredibly sensitive gland that is prone to infection and inflammation; so should always be handled with care. If you’re thinking about experimenting with prostate massage, don’t just dive straight in. Do your research, take it slow and make sure you or your masseuses are doing it properly.

Prostate milking is a myth

False! Sorry to break it to you lads, but prostate milking is very real- and is actually used for medical reasons. If you’ve never heard of prostate milking before, let me break it down for you. The prostate is a gland that produces fluid; fluid that can become trapped, thus causing extreme pain and infection. Prostate milking is a way to release the trapped fluid and improve the health of the prostate, and is usually administered by doctors who are trying to relieve illnesses such as prostatitis. And if you’re wondering why it’s called milking, that’s because the fluid will often disperse from the tip of the penis and will usually be white in colour. Sounds gross, but it’s good for you!

You can get prostate cancer

True! Sadly, yes, and it’s actually quite common. In fact, it is believed that 1 in 9 men will contract the disease at some point in their lifetime. Believe it or not, prostate cancer is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in the US- with 1 in 41 men predicted do die from this horrible disease. Whilst this is brutal, you can prevent your chance of prostate cancer by maintaining the health of your prostate. You can do this especially through prostate milking!

Women have prostates too

False! You would not believe how many women go to the Doctors suspecting their prostate is infected… Highly unlikely considering women DON’T have them. The prostate is a male productive organ that secretes prostate fluid- one of the components of semen. Similarly, the muscle in the prostate gland helps to propel this fluid into the urethra during ejaculation. So to summarise, it’s a very male gland!

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What your massage therapist might say to you and what they REALLY mean

Massages are wonderful experiences we often seek when we are stressed out at work, a birthday treat or just fancy some extra TLC. While therapists are easy going and aren’t shy when it comes to working with our bodies, some people choose to ignore the standard massage etiquette. However, they’re professionals and won’t always tell you if you’ve pissed them off. So here are some of the things you therapist might say to you and what they REALLY mean.

What they say: So you’re fifteen minutes because the traffic is bad? Not to worry!

What they really think: Damn, this has completely ruined my schedule. How am I going to fit in Shelley, Kirsty and Peter in before lunch? AND have time to give my hands a break?

What they say: Let it all hang out, it’s nothing we’ve not seen before!

What they really think: Oh my, is his dick out? This is too much for a Wednesday morning.

What they say: Don’t apologise for not shaving your legs!

What they really think: Well, you could have made a bit of an effort. If your boyfriend doesn’t want to touch your hairy legs then neither do I!

What they say: And you’ve not showered either, don’t worry we all have those days!

What they really think: Well, this just gets worse…

What they say: Don’t apologise for not speaking, just lie there and relax while I soothe your body and mind!

What they really think: Am I hurting them? Are they even enjoying it? Shall I stop? Come on, give me something to play with!

What they say: Nice perfume/aftershave! What is it?

What they really think: God that’s strong! Are they trying to kill me by scent? Now I’ve got a headache…

What they say: Erections are completely normal! Just let me grab that towel to cover it…

What they really think: Have I made him hard? Ok this is awkward. Where do I put my damn eyes?

What they say: Ah a fart! Don’t worry, we’re all human.

What they really think: YUK!

What they say: Hope you’ve had a lovely massage, can’t wait for you to come again.

What they really think: Well after all I’ve had to put up with an NO tip? Never again please.

 

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